i woke up this morning with a sinking feeling in my stomach... but dont get me wrong, this isn't the day when one feels like throwing up or anything.. it's just that.. my insides are being twisted and i can't breathe.
maybe my body is trying so hard to tell me to relax, take a break and allow myself to breathe normally. the way PEOPLE do. (i suddenly feel like im not a human anymore, bleh)
but my mind won't allow me to relax. every time i'm alone, or when they say it's the perfect time to relax (great music, great bed, silence...), my mind shoots up questions and i just end up trying to find answers to them.
did i find it? no, not really diary. and that feeling squeezes everything that can be squeezed inside of me. it consumes every bit of energy in me.
and my body just feel so tired. so tired of finding answers. answers that may not even exist at all.
i'm nineteen diary. i'm in my third year of college. third, in a sense that i've spent three years in college. residency status. but course based, im a nobody. im sick and tired of people asking me what my course is, and im freakinly tired of answering "BA in something, major in nothing."
they think of it as a joke and just laugh. what they don't know is the HELLISH feeling it gives me whenever i answer that fukcin question.
im in my third year and i'm undecided. i don't know where to stick it up. i'm in UP and i feel like im the most stupid student in there. yes, i feel so stupid. im in my 3rd yr and i dont know what course i really want.
it's a jungle out there, diary, and i dont even know if im up for the challenge.
i feel like i'm just traveling, no, wandering, on an empty road. it's like im just walking and walking and it's gonna be too late when i find out that that road leads to nowhere, and i just have to travel/wander back and find another road.
diary, this feeling sucks. i hate being compared to other people. i hate not being me. i hate not being able to do what i want to do, and i hate myself for letting me get caught in the whirlpool. i know i'm not worthy of these complaints, when the blame should be on me alone. but diary, i'm a moron. im in a deep shit and i don't really know a way to get out of here. it's hell in here diary. it's a suicidal scene from a movie, only mine is real.
yes, sometimes i think of suicide. sometimes i think that there's no better way to end this misery than suicide. but when i think of how lonely the world is going to be without me in it, i drop the idea. haha. just agree. i'd love to think that the world would be lonely without ELAY.
i wish i could find the courage to step out and tell the world, "hey, this is me. love me or hate me, for all i care." but that is just so hard diary. im a freaking coward. a freakin idiot at all sense.
diary, i'm nineteen. this is the last year of my teen-age life. and if somebody asks me what significant thing i have done over the years, i'd be empty-handed. i'd be submitting a blank sheet of paper. like way back in freshmen year when the prof asked us to write down our awards in highschool, honors etc.. i submitted a blank sheet of paper. "What the hell am i doing in UP?" i dont really know.
i'm nineteen. goddamnit! and i'm in a wreck. i have suddenly lost direction, and i can't think of any better options but to mope and cry my heart out. i'm nineteen and im at lost. really lost.
people expect me to be responsible, diary. but how can i be responsible? it's drowning me every time i think of all the lives that somehow depends on my next move. sometimes, i think, why can't i just think of myself and just let myself suffer/benefit from my next move? but i know you'll answer, "but life isn't just like that."
yes, life isn't just about me. it's about other people as well. somewhere, somehow, a life is affected by the choices i make. that someday, somehow, i should be really careful of my actions and think not just about myself but others as well.
but diary, why?
*sigh. a long long sigggghhh*
i'm nineteen diary. this is my last teenyear. i wanna feel, breathe, act like a nineteen-year old.
i just don't know how.
MAMA'S CALLING ME NOW. I GUESS I HAVE TO LEAVE ALL THESE RANTS AND QUESTIONS UNANSWERED.